Final closure?

Freshness Burger is closing it's operations in Singapore. Final day is 28 Dec.

That was the place we had our first outing together and you had lamented the need for so many chaperones.

Wonder if this bore you as much fond memories as it has for me.

It definitely brought up tons of emotions and the urge to message you today was almost too hard to resist.

Today

We're not friends. We're not enemies. We're just strangers with some memories.

But just because we're not close anymore, doesn't mean I don't care about you.

幸福到底是什么？

Honesty doesn't always pay

I'm jealous.

These days, you're probably messaging and chatting with someone else. What I'm sadder about is that all I ever did was to tell you I liked you and yet, I'm getting this cold treatment.

Don't understand the logic.

Why am I being punished for being honest about my feelings?

Casual dinner last night

Went to friend's place to make a simple dinner - soy bean paste fish, nai bai stir fried with oyster sauce and fish soup with radish.

All done in about an hour thirty minutes time. Not too bad. I did the fish and nai bai while my friend did the fish soup.

The soy bean paste fish was a bit too salty. Will have to try it again but the other two dishes were good.

So, I guess, I can cook some :)

Soy bean paste fish

Stir fried nai bai with oyster sauce

Fish soup with radish

Would you come for dinner?

Porcupine, wanted to ask if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight. But knowing how things are at the moment, probably I already know your answer before I could even ask.

I will be going to our friend's place tonight to make miso paste fish fillet. Hope you'll have a good dinner later tonight too.

Last Saturday, we had an excellent crab party. Wish you could have been there too. We had delicious yummy crabs,  my 'famous' stir-fried tang hoon, gelato and great company.

Wonder where you'd usually have your dinners but you'd never open up much on your johari window. Sigh. Why the secrecy. Guess I'll never know.

My heart didn't die after all... it was in hibernation

That's the conclusion - that my heart can still beat. Probably I should rejoice at this. Never thought I can feel again.

So I wonder if it had ever actually died or I had just simply refused to open its doors and suppressed it to silence.

But alas, never thought I'd open it to yet another dead end.

I guess, the happily ever after type of ending is just very difficult to find and one really needs to put in a lot of effort to find it.

I've been said that I have high expectations but I just want to find something or someone who'd make my heart skip a beat now, then and forever. I've met nice guys, great guys but some times, they just don't give me that butterfly in the stomach feeling. It might be unrealistic or overrated and maybe, not everyone gets to have her prince charming but I just want to have that, even if it is for a short while.

However, sadly, every time I do get that, the other party would turn out to be so wrong for me. But I know I don't want to settle.

I want to find my romance and hopefully hang on to it for life. I want to feel my heart and stomach do somersaults each time he is around.

Guess, I will just have to keep trying.

"Emotionally: I thought I was done. Mentally: I was drained. Spiritually: I felt dead. Physically: I could still smile"

喜怒哀乐

你的沉默真的是我的折磨

这到底是什么游戏？又要让人心动却又不行动？你难到需要证明什么？

你心里的那个她的地位，我不会想要代替

可是请你也不要把我或任何别人当做她的暂时代替品

我不想要你的道歉，只要你好好反省

真的希望你能好好去爱惜她人和自己

別再讓我為你受折磨

如果你不愛我就放了我
別再讓我為你受折磨
你的承諾愛的枷鎖
都讓它隨風而過

如果你不愛我就放了我
別再讓我為你繼續淪落
所有快樂變成沉默
狠狠刺傷我心窩
無法掙脫

-- 別再讓我為你受折磨(喬嘉)

你的沉默，我的折磨

小豪猪：

对我来说，你的沉默不是个答案，反而是个折磨。
你自己对我说过的。。。Don’t be evil。

如果你不想把心里的话说出来，也罢。

我只请求你别再让我有机会一直在你的周围继续沦落。
别再给我发不必要的短讯除非是有关我们旧同事。

别再给我多于的机会单独联系你。

If I have a relapse and msg you first, don't reply no matter what.

在这时后，我才真的需要你的沉默。

给你这个朋友空间平静下来。
好让我和我的心有新的机会走出你的影子, 再重新呼吸。

谢谢。

Now

“She didn't belong anywhere and she never really belonged to anyone. And everyone else belonged somewhere and to someone. People thought she was too wonderful. But she only wanted to belong to someone. People always thought she was too wonderful to belong to them or that something too wonderful would hurt too much to lose. And that's why she liked him-- because he just thought she was crazy.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Present with the past

Recently, I've been catching up with my ex staff.

Thanks to my new job, I've been travelling to places and meeting with my old team and it's great to catch up, check in how they are and reminisce the old days.

I don't know if I'd ever become the best people manager but I do know I've got friends whom I can catch up in so many various places - from Australia, to Malaysia, Korea, Japan, Hong Kong, Taiwan and China. Oh.. And US too :)

Guess nett of it all, I might not be the best manager but I definitely have to be a nice person (at least nice enough that people bother to want to meet up with me)

:)

Moving along with history

I realised how weak willed I am.

I mean I knew I was never a strong willed, determined person but last Thursday, I gave in to my weakness and texted my prick.

Although I liked it, I knew it was not going to amount to anything more than what it was.

Yes, I finally got my hug after 6 long months and not sure if I'd ever get to have it again.

Much as I try to put this history behind me, I think I have to accept that it'd always follow me no matter what.

So long as I know how to manage it and tell myself always to be still my heart, I should be fine right? One can only hope that I don't sink any further than I already have.

Last Friday's lim jiu session with the kakis was interesting as we talked about our single status. Nett of it all is how can we compartmentalize relationships into 3 simple buckets like love, lust and companionship and know which one we want for now.

Of course, one would wish every relationship could have these 3 elements at the same volume but some times, you just need to know certain relationships can only fill but only one bucket.

Me? I'm greedy as always. I want all three and wish there's some guy out there who can fill the 3 buckets. But if I can only choose one bucket a time... erm, then may I have three guys, one for each bucket? :P

The tira with no misu

My first attempt at this lovely Italian dessert was not to be... I wanted to try my hand at it and went about to 'collect' the ingredients and borrowed a whisking machine from friend.

The steps looked easy and thought I could once again marvel at my success in the kitchen chemistry but alas, the outcome was disappointing. The taste was right but the texture was all wrong. Either I had under whisked the eggs and cream or I had done a too damn good a job at it....

I was told getting the tiramisu right was not an easy task and guess I had to be proven right again.

Will try my hands at this again and hopefully, I'd be second time lucky.

My new baby

I didn't go through the 9 months or any laborious delivery but I think it is almost similar experience.

After 3 long months of agony and waiting after waiting, the Bimmer is finally here.

I will give it all the TLC it needs and spend time to understand it.

Anyway, it does feel like a new exciting toy!

Joyous companionship

Last Saturday, we had a dinner party at a friend's. It was a somewhat simple affair but the companionship was totally priceless. We laughed so hard, that not only sides ached, but glasses were broken and tears (of joy) were shed.

I had spent 7 years and 6 months in a company I had termed as my dream organization and counted my lucky stars for the opportunity to work there. And throughout my years there, I had indeed learnt many things and met many people.

However, one of the best gifts I ever had in this company, is the friendship I had made with a special bunch of folks.

Guess I have been lucky more than once.

I have made some really great friends in other organizations too and elsewhere in my social life but this particular bunch will always have a special spot in my heart.

Imagine having to always work and see them almost every single day for 5 days a week in the past and yet, we'd still want to spend even more time together after work for exercise, drinks and even going away on holidays.

No words can really quite describe the bonds we have built but I can only say how grateful and lucky I am to have them in my life.

Their company has gotten me through some rough patches and it is this group of people whom I'd ever so treasure and eagerly look forward to seeing them week after week whether it is for drinks and other social engagements.

Life really won't be the same or as fun without them.

Remind me to count my lucky stars again tonight. And every other night.

Released.

I finally woke up today, seeking a breath of real fresh air.

After being mentally tormented by a selfish prick for the past 13 months or so, I finally realised it is really time to move on. And I think I am finally ready.

It hadn't been easy as I had somehow unwittingly entered a game where I thought it was all simple and genuine but it stings to know now that it was not so. The one thing I'd be grateful for is that it has in some ways restarted my heart - which I have thought I had long buried it for good.

Hopefully, it's not all too late.

I won't deny that there is still that aching need for me to uncover the numerous questions I have but I know I'd never be able to get any answers no matter how I'd try to dig for it. So I need to lay it to rest.

Prick or no prick; jerk or no jerk, I have already witnessed and experienced enough to know this is a game I have to exit by myself. It was a game that was really out of my league in the first place.

But I am glad I tried because now, the real game will and can begin.

I am sure now that I'd be ready to face all new challenges with a big smile. No more ghosts, no more fear.

I know now what I want and need. All thanks to a no good prick.

My one moment in fame

Yes, I was called upon to be a judge. Yes, I made it on somebody's website.

I never knew I'd go places but this short '15 seconds' of fame to be one of the judges for marketing magazine's agency of the year award sure had been fun. But mind you, it was also hard work to go over the submitted pieces plus timing wasn't great as I had to do this while balancing my trip to US to meet my new boss and colleagues for the first time at our global marketing meeting.

Nevertheless, this probably only comes once in a lifetime and glad I did it.

Porcupines and pricks.

 I had chanced upon this article written by an author called Bill Hart on his blog page some time last year about a porcupine named Elvis he had 'met' and it reminded me of somebody.

Until this day, I never got through to my porcupine. Guess some quills are never meant to be broken off.

 "I think a lot of people are like porcupines.  We grow some nasty quills on the outside to protect ourselves because we feel so vulnerable.  The problem is that no one can get through the quills, not even people who would be our friends or lovers.  Therefore, we spend our days and nights in solitude, always looking out for the fisher cats and dimwits who would hurt us just for the sake of hurting us.

So what else have I learned from Elvis?  Elvis likes my company and tries to be friendly, but he just can't seem to get past whatever made him decide to become a porcupine.  We sit out in the field in the evening, he in the apple tree and I below it.  I talk, he grunts.  It's the best we each can do and I am now content to let him be just who he is, a young porcupine with social issues, while he lets me be myself, a middle aged writer who spends most of his time with a porcupine." -- Bill Hart

Brunch came early

This week I went for brunch with an ex-colleague on Saturday instead of my usual Sunday gig.

We went to try out Wimbly Lu and Jules cafe at Jalan Riang. And I enjoyed myself and am glad I came out for a fulfilling meal and good company.

Albeit it was wet and rainy, but the weather did not dampen our spirits and we had fun catching up, eating and laughing.

Brunch at Wimbly Lu for me was SST - smoked salmon on toast with scrambled eggs and a good cup of skinny latte. We even got to meet Wimbly and Lu. The owners of the outfit. Very nice ladies and my company poured on compliments for the coffee and we made small talks.

After round 1, the greedy in me coaxed my ex to go for a second round at Jules where I had eggs remy (a rendition of eggs ben except leeks and other veg were used instead of ham) while my company had risotto, which both were good. The skinny latte here was not too bad but I think I prefer the one at Wimbly Lu.

We parted ways later after a 3 hour marathon of brunch and more brunch.

It was a good day.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wish you'd surprise me and appear out of nowhere to whisk me away...

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to be pricked by a porcupine....

Sometimes I wish you'd be more honest, open and sincere...

Sometimes I wonder if this is it...

Sometimes I wish I knew.

I miss my porcupine

Dear Porcupine,

The silence is painful but necessary for me more than you, because I know you'd never have the guts to do it. But I need this. For me.

I miss the banter terribly and hope some day I'd find someone who'd enjoy my company as much as I'd enjoy having endless conversations with under the sun and the stars.

Preferably, this person would be a whole lot more sincere and open.

I don't know if I can keep this up but I need to move on.

Girl, Domesticated. Kitchen Affairs: Episode #8

Been awfully slacking in posting my adventures in the kitchen but will give it a shot today. Yesterday's attempt was my first time trying three dishes in one go. All pretty manageable and no major mishap except I forgot to par boiled the bittergourd first before frying it. Luckily I hadn't thrown them in the wok first so there was a slight delay while I inserted the par boiling step. I also forgot to fry with butter instead of using olive oil. So although this time around, the salted egg was salty enough to coat the bittergourd, frying with butter would make the dish much more tastier.

Salted egg bittergourd

Everything else turned out well.

The minced pork with olive leaves was just as good as I had expected and it well really well with rice. Next time, if I'd be repeating this dish, will try with chili padi to give it some extra kick and hold back on the olive oil as the oil leaves itself already came with ample oil.

Minced pork with olive leaves

The scramble egg with tomato was really good and the consistency was what I expected it to be - not too dry and the taste was just as sweet as I had expected it to be. Next round, will cut back on adding the sugar and just put in extra tomatoes to let natural sweetness take its course.

Scrambled eggs with tomato

Let's see what other inspirations I can hit with and hope to be back in the kitchen sooner than expected.

A new beginning, in every sense...

Out with the old and in with the new. That seems to be the recurring theme for this year.

According to the lunar calendar, the new year starts on 4 February and on 10 February, I bid good bye to Juniper - a place where I've spent 7 years and 6 months of my life. Much has grown and changed with the people, place and my waist line over the years but nevertheless it is still a place with many dear memories for me.

Interestingly, my join date was 24 August 2004 and last working day happened to be 24 February 2012 by pure coincidence.

So as I say goodbye to a great company and some people, I look forward to my next challenge at work and life with anticipated breath.

It'd be uphill from now....

Girl, Domesticated. Kitchen Affairs: Episode #3

New Year, New Beginnings. And here's the new project.

Back in the kitchen today to try out the salted egg yolk bittergourd and tom yam paste fried prawns. The first was inspired after tasting this delicious dish at a day trip with friends in Pengerang, Malaysia. The second is to try and use up the leftover tom yam paste I had from previous episodes while trying to cook up a tom yam paste pasta.

Tom Yam paste fried prawn

Salted Egg Yolk bittergourd

The tom yam one turned out really well. It was yummy and if I'm doing it again next round, will deshell the prawns.

The salted egg yolk bittergourd was a slight disappointment as it was not as tasty as expected. I should have added some salt as I didn't know mum had bought the 'not so salty' kind of salted egg. Thus, it came out tasting a bit bland.

All in all, pretty satisfied with the results and glad I did this to kickstart my 1 Jan 2012.

Till the next cooking adventure, happy lunching.

Oh and I forgot, yesterday, I also tried my hand at a dessert. Snow fungus soup with longan and ginkgo nuts. Originally intended to make this for somebody but somehow, it became my last project for 2011 and I ate it myself. It was a success, nevertheless.

Snow fungus soup with longan and ginkgo nuts

昨天想的,今天已成事实

昨天有人发了电话短讯给我。写了一些祝贺。读了之后，感触特多。。。

就这样的，一些事情就变了过去。。。

“撕下墙壁的最后一张日历，不论过去的一年成与败，得与失，苦与乐，都随着时空而成为了过去。

挂上新的日历，新的一年，它依然是三百六十五张。

愿您在新的一年，每一天撕下每一张日历的每一天，都是… 健康快乐，事事顺心，心想事成。”