Final closure?

Freshness Burger is closing it's operations in Singapore. Final day is 28 Dec.

That was the place we had our first outing together and you had lamented the need for so many chaperones.

Wonder if this bore you as much fond memories as it has for me.

It definitely brought up tons of emotions and the urge to message you today was almost too hard to resist.

Today

We're not friends. We're not enemies. We're just strangers with some memories.

But just because we're not close anymore, doesn't mean I don't care about you.

Honesty doesn't always pay

I'm jealous.

These days, you're probably messaging and chatting with someone else. What I'm sadder about is that all I ever did was to tell you I liked you and yet, I'm getting this cold treatment.

Don't understand the logic.

Why am I being punished for being honest about my feelings?

Would you come for dinner?

Porcupine, wanted to ask if you'd like to come over for dinner tonight. But knowing how things are at the moment, probably I already know your answer before I could even ask.

I will be going to our friend's place tonight to make miso paste fish fillet. Hope you'll have a good dinner later tonight too.

Last Saturday, we had an excellent crab party. Wish you could have been there too. We had delicious yummy crabs,  my 'famous' stir-fried tang hoon, gelato and great company.

Wonder where you'd usually have your dinners but you'd never open up much on your johari window. Sigh. Why the secrecy. Guess I'll never know.

My heart didn't die after all... it was in hibernation

That's the conclusion - that my heart can still beat. Probably I should rejoice at this. Never thought I can feel again.

So I wonder if it had ever actually died or I had just simply refused to open its doors and suppressed it to silence.

But alas, never thought I'd open it to yet another dead end.

I guess, the happily ever after type of ending is just very difficult to find and one really needs to put in a lot of effort to find it.

I've been said that I have high expectations but I just want to find something or someone who'd make my heart skip a beat now, then and forever. I've met nice guys, great guys but some times, they just don't give me that butterfly in the stomach feeling. It might be unrealistic or overrated and maybe, not everyone gets to have her prince charming but I just want to have that, even if it is for a short while.

However, sadly, every time I do get that, the other party would turn out to be so wrong for me. But I know I don't want to settle.

I want to find my romance and hopefully hang on to it for life. I want to feel my heart and stomach do somersaults each time he is around.

Guess, I will just have to keep trying.

"Emotionally: I thought I was done. Mentally: I was drained. Spiritually: I felt dead. Physically: I could still smile"

喜怒哀乐

你的沉默真的是我的折磨

这到底是什么游戏？又要让人心动却又不行动？你难到需要证明什么？

你心里的那个她的地位，我不会想要代替

可是请你也不要把我或任何别人当做她的暂时代替品

我不想要你的道歉，只要你好好反省

真的希望你能好好去爱惜她人和自己

別再讓我為你受折磨

如果你不愛我就放了我
別再讓我為你受折磨
你的承諾愛的枷鎖
都讓它隨風而過

如果你不愛我就放了我
別再讓我為你繼續淪落
所有快樂變成沉默
狠狠刺傷我心窩
無法掙脫

-- 別再讓我為你受折磨(喬嘉)

你的沉默，我的折磨

小豪猪：

对我来说，你的沉默不是个答案，反而是个折磨。
你自己对我说过的。。。Don’t be evil。

如果你不想把心里的话说出来，也罢。

我只请求你别再让我有机会一直在你的周围继续沦落。
别再给我发不必要的短讯除非是有关我们旧同事。

别再给我多于的机会单独联系你。

If I have a relapse and msg you first, don't reply no matter what.

在这时后，我才真的需要你的沉默。

给你这个朋友空间平静下来。
好让我和我的心有新的机会走出你的影子, 再重新呼吸。

谢谢。

Moving along with history

I realised how weak willed I am.

I mean I knew I was never a strong willed, determined person but last Thursday, I gave in to my weakness and texted my prick.

Although I liked it, I knew it was not going to amount to anything more than what it was.

Yes, I finally got my hug after 6 long months and not sure if I'd ever get to have it again.

Much as I try to put this history behind me, I think I have to accept that it'd always follow me no matter what.

So long as I know how to manage it and tell myself always to be still my heart, I should be fine right? One can only hope that I don't sink any further than I already have.

Last Friday's lim jiu session with the kakis was interesting as we talked about our single status. Nett of it all is how can we compartmentalize relationships into 3 simple buckets like love, lust and companionship and know which one we want for now.

Of course, one would wish every relationship could have these 3 elements at the same volume but some times, you just need to know certain relationships can only fill but only one bucket.

Me? I'm greedy as always. I want all three and wish there's some guy out there who can fill the 3 buckets. But if I can only choose one bucket a time... erm, then may I have three guys, one for each bucket? :P

Joyous companionship

Last Saturday, we had a dinner party at a friend's. It was a somewhat simple affair but the companionship was totally priceless. We laughed so hard, that not only sides ached, but glasses were broken and tears (of joy) were shed.

I had spent 7 years and 6 months in a company I had termed as my dream organization and counted my lucky stars for the opportunity to work there. And throughout my years there, I had indeed learnt many things and met many people.

However, one of the best gifts I ever had in this company, is the friendship I had made with a special bunch of folks.

Guess I have been lucky more than once.

I have made some really great friends in other organizations too and elsewhere in my social life but this particular bunch will always have a special spot in my heart.

Imagine having to always work and see them almost every single day for 5 days a week in the past and yet, we'd still want to spend even more time together after work for exercise, drinks and even going away on holidays.

No words can really quite describe the bonds we have built but I can only say how grateful and lucky I am to have them in my life.

Their company has gotten me through some rough patches and it is this group of people whom I'd ever so treasure and eagerly look forward to seeing them week after week whether it is for drinks and other social engagements.

Life really won't be the same or as fun without them.

Remind me to count my lucky stars again tonight. And every other night.

Released.

I finally woke up today, seeking a breath of real fresh air.

After being mentally tormented by a selfish prick for the past 13 months or so, I finally realised it is really time to move on. And I think I am finally ready.

It hadn't been easy as I had somehow unwittingly entered a game where I thought it was all simple and genuine but it stings to know now that it was not so. The one thing I'd be grateful for is that it has in some ways restarted my heart - which I have thought I had long buried it for good.

Hopefully, it's not all too late.

I won't deny that there is still that aching need for me to uncover the numerous questions I have but I know I'd never be able to get any answers no matter how I'd try to dig for it. So I need to lay it to rest.

Prick or no prick; jerk or no jerk, I have already witnessed and experienced enough to know this is a game I have to exit by myself. It was a game that was really out of my league in the first place.

But I am glad I tried because now, the real game will and can begin.

I am sure now that I'd be ready to face all new challenges with a big smile. No more ghosts, no more fear.

I know now what I want and need. All thanks to a no good prick.